I've heard the saying,
"It's always darkest before the dawn." Literally speaking, I'm not certain if the saying is true, if it is indeed darkest right before the sun rises. However, metaphorically, I feel confident in the reality of this saying.
Michael and I have said many times to each other that in foster placements it gets really,
really hard right before you have a breakthrough. The awful truth of this is that very often people don't last through the darkness.
On really hard days, we remind ourselves of our commitment to these children. Before we got a placement we agreed and committed to each other and God that we were going to do everything we could to view the children that were placed with us as if they were
our children already, no matter what. You don't just send your child back to the hospital when they start acting out in school, or screaming at you regularly.
No matter the difficulties, no matter the trials, no matter the behavior, we are committed to each other and to these children.
This is a choice we make every day.
That doesn't mean it is always easy. Because honestly, nothing in our life lately has been easy.
I aim to keep this blog encouraging, yet I also feel very compelled to share honestly sometimes when we are struggling, when family life is more than a little difficult.
Why do I feel compelled to share? Just as
infertility was something I experienced and felt so alone in, I want to share this part of our story in fostering so that people know that they are not alone.
What God has called Michael and I to do is no easy task. It has been far more difficult than I ever imagined. Yet,
God is good. I know that this is all His plan and that He will provide for us. I know this to be true because He is faithful and He has never left us leading up to this point.
The deep darkness that sometimes creeps into our home and family devastates me at times. Our kid's lives up to this point have been nothing close to pleasant, joyful, or fun. They have experienced more trauma in their short lives than I have in all of mine. The years that were taken from their childhood because of neglect and abuse are many. The pain they feel is real and creeping around every corner.
Even after a year in our home, their past affects them most days, especially our big kids. They struggle to trust. They struggle to feel safe and stable. Their struggles are expressed through their behaviors.
Recently we have been having many difficult days. Last week was one of the most difficult weeks, if not the most difficult week, of my entire life. I questioned everything. I wondered,
"Where is God in all of this? How is this part of God's plan? Why is this so hard? How are we going to get through this?"
This deep darkness was gradual. The past few months have been difficult and it was adding up and adding up and overflowing. I
had felt like I was "in a funk" for the past few weeks, struggling with
feelings of depression and lacking motivation to do much of what is
required of me daily.
Saturday was the darkest of last week, quite possibly the darkest day of my life, and then on Sunday, light came up through the darkness. It truly was darkest right before the dawn.
We had a breakthrough. Michael and I got on the same page again. We had both been feeling overwhelmed and hadn't really talked about it much because the crazy days were abundant and our time was usually spoken for. However, after a long talk we saw progress in our own lives, in our own hearts.
It didn't mean that the behavior or situation changed. It just meant that our perspective and attitude changed.
That difference alone changed the whole situation.
Then on Monday, we had a meeting about the kid's future, nothing official, yet a small step forward.
It was one of the most encouraging meetings we have ever had. It really confirmed that God was still with us, even in the darkness, He was there. His timing is always perfect...oh how we are still learning to trust.
Looking forward, I'm hoping that we don't go through the deep darkness again. Yet, I am not confident that the rest of our journey will be easy.
I'm okay with it, though.
I am trying to be proactive. I am trying to not allow my own heart to reach the depth of darkness it has seen lately. I am intentionally trying to stay on top of all the chaos and overwhelming feelings.
I know that this road we have chosen, or more appropriately that the Lord has chosen for us, is not an easy road to travel on. Yet I am ever more confident that the Lord is leading us and walking alongside of us, through our darkest days and giving us glimpses of the dawn. We do not do this in our own strength, but it is only by the strength of our Lord Jesus Christ that we continue to get through.
